Weird Post!

It's one of those times when you stay awake all night finding refuge in that one thing which distracts you from your problems; be it love, a partner, TV, music or anything. For me, it's watching Grey's anatomy, for now. I have got tons of issues on my head right now. I am 23, studying, and jobless for crying out loud. I should be stable enough to pay my dues, pay for my vacation, pay for my holiday trips for GOD's sake. But I am not. Why is that? Because the last time I got a job offer, my interview was the same day my mother called me back home so I could see the girl she had chosen to be my brother's wife. Yes, I do have that big of a say in my family. Second time, I was told by somebody that the place I got an offer from wasn't worth working for. I didn't even go to the interview. I could work online as well - but that's just not my thing. I am sick and tired of having online interactions. That's what I have done for the past 6 years. Online Interactions! They don't work for me anymore. I need real people in my real life. See, this is why I love my best friends from university. They are real. They exist. They eat, hang out, fight, argue, laugh with me in real life. I can see their faces, their expressions, the shine in their eyes. This is why I don't need an online job; where my client can't look me in the eye and shout at me. I can't be appreciated for real online. Telling me I did a good job over an email is not good enough for me. I want proper relationships. Proper friendships. I know I am writing this over an online blog, but seriously who would read it? How many people would read it? Even I know this blog is mostly me taking out my anger, frustration or lessons learnt. I want to write for so many things, so many issues, but everytime this thought comes into my head that I am not good enough for it - or let's just say, for anything! My brother did get married to the same girl. Masha ALLAH they are a happy couple, and seem to be working this out really well. I feel proud of myself sometimes. Eventhough I don't have a job, I do other things well. I help my mother with a lot of stuff, and just recently, she called me her "Engineer kid" infront of a whole lot of people. That was amazing. She actually told them I was her amazing child, which she hardly does because they were the family where my sister could have got married. Praising me in front of them, well, not a good idea. They could just chose me - not that I would let it happen, because the guy was an absolute idiot. He was an MBA for GOD's sake, a JOBLESS MBA!
Yes - That's the point. Judging a MAN over his job makes sense. But judging a girl? No! It doesn't make any sense. The girl does a lot of other things as well. She cooks for you, she cleans for you, she calms you down when you're angry. She gives birth to your children, for GOD's sake! She takes care of your home. How can you possibly judge her for not earning some stupid money? How can you judge her for her personality? Her traits? It's her quality to sort things out, why would ever want to take that away from her?

Just don't take away a girl's charms, or else, you'd have her divided in to the craziest thoughts, the worst assumptions and most of all, a blog full of weird posts!
Please, LEARN!

- Maryam!

I am lost.. too lost!

For a moment today, I was lost! In my old days, my old memories, old photographs and it felt amazing. It was somehow refreshing, because lately, my life has been nothing but a fight with depression, pain, heartbreak, humiliations and awful sadness. I put a smile on my face, so I don't have to bother with all these discussions when I have to look the other person in eye and tell the reasons behind my pain. Frankly, so much has happened that I don't even know anymore what's causing the pain? Nobody actually understands, not even me, what the real cause of all my anger, my aggression is. I am forced to live a life that I cannot possibly survive one more day, but yet, every day I wake up I have to tell myself, live for others! Make it one more day, and everything will be okay... Eventhough I know, nothing will ever be okay. I have not felt this alone in my entire life, because literally, I have no one around me that I can share my pain with. They keep telling me to be strong, but they just leave, one by one, and call me selfish eventually. It's too painful, you know. I don't know whom to talk to! I am falling apart somehow, but I am keeping myself strong! It's like, I am going to burst one day and the awful things that would come out of my mouth are something that I fear the most. I am keeping too much inside. I have lost too much, in too less time, and I am loosing myself today! I just realized, I don't have a best friend. It's like, that past was better, and I was so unthankful to take it for-granted so easily. I was so unthankful to let go of all those beautiful people that actually cared about me, and now I am all alone, with nobody around me to hold me and comfort me or to tell me that everything would make sense eventually. It's like, I keep having this weird feeling that I am not this person anymore. I am somebody else, a hopeless, lifeless soul that's just passing each single day only waiting for her time to be over. It's horrifying! I am fighting that battle within me, and I am all alone! I can't seem to get up, and bow my head infront of ALLAH to pray. I feel too guilty, because even HE knows, no matter how much I repent, I keep going back to the same spoiled version of myself. I don't know what to do.. I am lost, too bad, and I can't seem to find a way!

Somehow, writing this made me feel better. I do believe, if I have come this long, I'll make it ahead! But I just need to know the way, MY WAY OF HOPE.. I need to find it, as soon as I can! 

It's the matter of one hug!

Bad times are an inevitable part of our lives. No matter how happy we are, there are times that make us gloomy or depressed. Bad days; when minutes seem like hours. One's heart beats at its slowest, everything around one seems to be stuck and with all the effort put, life still seems stuck. In simple words, when one is down due to life's circumstances, it feels as if there is no way out.
Tonight, as I sit here writing, I can tell you very  honestly, my head had been hurting for two hours due to some stress in my mind. I couldn't talk about the stress to anyone due to my own insecurities and embarrassments. But I knew, I needed a way out of it. So, I started watching a movie. "Wake Up, Sid!", probably the cutest and one of the most motivational movies I have ever watched. The movie had always given me one feeling; not everyone is a happy-go-lucky person. For each one of us, life has different plans. For Bill Gates, fate decided for him to earn so much, for give back as well. But for Steve Jobs, fate had a completely different plan. Even in one family, every child  has different interests, different likes and dislikes, and most of all, different destinations. Some reach them, while some keep trying, till the very end. But what is that one force that keeps us all going, is the question. What are the reasons behind us never giving up in our lives? 
As a person, who has been through the phases of what some people may refer to as 'depression', I can say, it's the force of love and affection which makes you so strong that you can overcome any difficulty in your life. As I was watching the movie, my mother entered the room to wake me and my sister up for the morning prayer. She had no idea that I was already up. So I got up from my bed, and ran after her, to hug her tightly. This hug was priceless. My headache, my worries, my weaknesses - all seemed to be gone in no more than a second. It felt like heaven. My mother, the woman I have always looked up to as a beautiful, amazing role model. My mother - who is more than just an angel for me - is the force that keeps me walking. 
I have made my set of mistakes. In some days, I messed up in such a ridiculous manner that even looking at my own face was impossible for me. But there was mom. Who told me I had the prettiest face. She gave me the confidence to stand in front of the world with a belief that despite of all the bad times, I can still be happy. Her faith in me made me a stronger, a better person each and every day. It still does and may it always do. 
It's her one hug, which makes my worst day absolutely beautiful. It's her affection that keeps me going. It's my mother, who has  kept me alive throughout my life! 
For me, it's my mother's hug that keeps me strong enough to face each challenge in life. For you, it could be anyone. Never underestimate those people who make your life better. Because without these small gestures of love, life is nothing but some paperwork and sleep! We all must learn to appreciate the value of hugs, smiles, little gestures to show our loved ones how much we care about them. As life is unpredictable. Today, you might get a chance but tomorrow, life might be too cruel to you. So take the opportunity today. Give your mom, dad, a sibling, your best friend, or your life partner a gift, hug or just a simple 'I Love You'. Make them feel better, who make your life better!

- Maryam!

It's never too late!

Today, I decided to sleep earlier than my normal routine; sleeping at 7 in the morning. I lied on my bed at 1 and by 1:30, I was in my dreamland. A while later, I woke up to a horrible dream, rather nightmare, which made me feel so lost and scared that the only words which came out of my mouth were Ayat Al Kursi and Durood Shareef. I was terrified. But relieved at the same time that the dream wasn't real. Though I must say, it felt more than just real. I could hear the voices, feel the other people's existence. I could even sense my own depression in the dream and knew exactly what to say and how to say it. 
Yeah, I wouldn't be sleeping early for a while now, but what I learnt from this experience is; it's never too late to go back to being who you truly are. It's never too late to repent. As ALLAH Subhan wa ta'ala is always there, despite of your mistakes, your sins, your own oblivion towards HIM, HE never forgets you. HE is always there.
As mentioned in the Holy Qur'an: فَاذْكُرُونِي أَذْكُرْكُمْ وَاشْكُرُوا لِي وَلَا تَكْفُرُونِ. البقرة 152

"Therefore remember Me. I will remember you. Be grateful to Me and never show Me ingratitude" - Al-Baqarah 2:152 

It's the matter of being thankful towards HIM to indeed feel blessed. One day I remember being truly upset, and somebody told me,"ALLAH Loves you! You shouldn't be upset." That made me feel like the strongest person on the planet. As if there was nothing which could harm or hurt me. I was astonished, yet relieved at the same time. 

I have decided to start writing once again and hoping to continue it for good. May ALLAH, The MOST Merciful, protect us, bless us, and cover us all till and on the judgement day, ameen. 

- Maryam!