Who Am I?

Going back to Islamabad tonight. Not easy, i must say. Probably that's something I have said on the blog a tons of times. But oh well, when has it been easy anyway? I had extremely horrifying times a couple of days back. Broke me into pieces. And today, as I write this, my mind is only thinking one thing; What is the purpose of my life? Why am I here? Who am I? 
Every single day, it seems like I am fighting somebody else's fight. I am fearing someone else's fears. I am living someone else's life. I am not me. This is not me. Then who is, is the question! 
All of this must seem pretty crazy and emo to read. But to be very honest, I don't have a clue what to pray for, what to aim for. Wishes, dreams, beliefs, everything seems to have vanished somewhere. 
I am questioning the biggest thing of my life; why am I here? Is it my own fault? Or can I blame somebody else? This gap inside of me, why does it exist? How can I fulfill it? 
I feel empty, lost... and scared! But starting over, yet again, for the last time and trying to find the purpose, once and for all. Not giving up, not falling down... just looking for the answer to one simple question;
WHO AM I?

- Maryam!

... so I will start over, again!

My first semester of university, the one that I had so eagerly waited for, came to an end on 12th June, 2012. One of the best times I had in my life, but some of the worst as well. Best part is; it taught me the lessons I'd never forget in my life. I am writing the following blog in order to keep it as a reminder for the rest of my seven semesters, and to be able to learn more and more in the coming days.

Lesson # 1 - Be Tolerant! 

Yes, tolerance is the key to making friends, being a good listener, being a good leader and overall being successful. You shall not yell or shout at the people you dislike, instead, you should listen to and understand their position in order to develop an opinion about them. 

Lesson # 2: Learn to take a chance.

You won't know what you mustn't do or what you can achieve until or unless you're willing to take a risk. Life is a mystery. And in order to open all the secrets that life has hidden for us, we must learn to take chances. If you like somebody, talk to them. If you dislike somebody, open your mind for them and create a positive approach in your head for them. You never know, they might end up becoming your best friends!

Lesson # 3: Positive approach. 

Life doesn't come with a rule book. But it surely comes with lessons that make us what we are today. In order to have our life go our way, we must look at it positively. A pessimist may have success in life but he, most probably, does not have any peace of mind.

Lesson # 4: learn to have peace of mind.

Yes, it's important that your head is free of all the weird stuff that creates anxiety and depressions. 

Lesson # 6: Face your fears.

Failure, rejection, falling apart are one of my life's biggest fears. And believe it or not, they are the ones I face the most. But what I have learnt is; I need to face them instead of fearing them. If I am being rejected, I must know the reasons behind them, and learn to accept my faults and weaknesses. If I am failing again and again, there might be a reason behind it which I am not aware of. So on and so forth! 

Lesson # 7: Talk!

Yes, talking is important. Whatever is going through your mind or is in your heart; talk it out. Because no matter what signals you are giving to the other person, he'd never know what you're feeling until or unless you talk about it. If something is bugging you, tell it, to anyone, who'd listen and who might help you sort the issue out. 

Lesson # 8: Listen!

As much as talking is important, so is listening. Because if you fail to listen, people would most certainly not be eager to listen to you!

Lesson # 9: Open your mind!

Do not judge too quickly. Do not create assumptions that may hurt you later on and leave you alone for the rest of your life. Open your mind; to new things, to new people, to new experiences. As I said before, life does not come with instruction manuals. That is why, you must keep yourself eager to learn new things, meet new people and come up with new and innovative ideas.

Lesson # 10: Learn to love!

Love; a feeling of affection and concern for anything. Learn to love YOURSELF! Learn to love the people around you, who care about you, who love you. Learn to love the work that you do and do not consider it a burden. Learn to face life with an optimistic attitude every day. 

Lesson # 11: Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish!

This is a term I heard in a Steve Jobs' speech. 

As long as you're hungry, you'll feel the need to fill yourself up! For me, staying hungry for new experiences in life is my top most priority. 

Stay foolish, so that you'll make mistakes and you'll later on realize that you shouldn't have done what you did and this way, you won't repeat the same act again! 

Lesson # 12: Have faith! 

Because faith is what keeps us going, even when there's no light in the end of the tunnel

So, I will start all over again, with these new lessons in my head to make me a better person! Here's to hoping for a new semester filled with excitement, happiness and InshaALLAH, good grades :)

- Maryam!

... they are just simply beautiful!

I love to make people smile and laugh, not because I have a good sense of humor, but because it's better than being the reason of their hurt and tears. I love to see people smile. And the sort of person I am, it always feels good to be the reason of one smile. Guess, I am not the only one, as I have myself met so many people who can make you smile instantly just by saying a simple 'Hy' or something. No, please, I am not going into those cheesy Facebook Quotes that say,"I was having a bad day, then you said hy, then I overlooked all my problems, went into a damn fantasy land that doesn't even exist and then my heart started beating fast, I forgot I had Math Homework and I just smiled like an idiot..." 


I am talking about the genuine smiles that have a story behind them. No two people who have spent time together would disagree on the fact that every moment they spent together meant something. Be it love, or a despise, an attraction or a disgust. Feelings are always there. True, hypocritical, sincere, fake; depends entirely on the situation. So, yes, I am talking about the feelings that keep you up at night, make you smile, or cry. I am talking about the smiles that come out of nowhere in times when your mood is far from happy. I am talking about the people who are behind these smiles. 


Once my friend was talking to me on the phone when I was so pissed at him, that if he were in front of me, I'd have definitely punched him pretty hard.. And i mean, pretty hard!! He said something so insanely funny that I couldn't help but LOL (Laugh out loud) literally on that pathetic and lame joke. Yes, believe me it was so lame that even the word lame would feel embarrassed, but the point was, it made me laugh. And it served the purpose exactly the way it was supposed to. And my friend said to me,"It takes you 10 hours to be so pissed, and it takes me 10 seconds to ruin all that effort you put into being angry..." Bless you, buddy! 


Smiles can be faked, pretty easily. But the smiles that come from being happy have a different look, a whole different aspect to them. Smiles like these truly fascinate me! And the people, who make others smile like that; they are just simply beautiful. This post is for all those people of this earth who have made somebody laugh, smile or simply happy by genuinely putting some effort in it. Who don't just talk, who communicate. Who don't just hold the other one but hug them from the depth of their heart. And who don't just claim to love, but who 'love' by every action, by every word, by every blink of the eye... and every beat of the heart! 


Respect to all those who live, who love and who care with no demands of the return, with no hypocrisy and with faith and enough courage to stand up for those who love them truly and sincerely! 

"To do the stupidest things together, to smile for the silliest reasons ever, I want to hold you for the rest of my life, to be just happy, to be simply peaceful.."

- Maryam!

Faith in humanity - Lost!

The cheesy quote goes that,"We build walls around us to see who is caring and sincere enough to break them to reach us.." But my perception is completely different. What I believe is, those walls build around us themselves, when we are too hurt, our feelings are abused again and again and our trust is broken so badly that we can no longer afford to be the most loving and lovable creatures. Human beings; The best of all creations, have come to point that they have themselves become a disgrace.
In our world, love is just a temporary hormonal imbalance which attracts two people for a certain period of time and later on they both become each others' worst enemies. Sincerity is a word used as an insult for those who are thought to be weak and 'emotional'. Faithful; only dogs can be one. All in all, humanity is so rare that, I guess, even Google won't be able to search for it.
How can people trust anyone when taking one's advantage has become a norm now?
Why would people show their feelings while having a fear that love is no longer respected or taken care of?
That's the worst thing about us; we spend too much time hating, abusing and misusing the concept of friendship - or love, for that matter - that we forget that we were once born Human Beings, The 'Ashraf ul Makhlooqat' (The best of all creations).

- Maryam

Zero!

A truly beautiful and meaningful video.. LOVE IT <3


- Maryam

... everything will be fine, trust me!

Underestimating one's self is not something new to human species. In one way or the other, we all consider ourselves lesser than somebody else. We meet people with better looks, better skills and/or abilities and talents and tell ourselves "I wish I were that good.." It happens, a lot of times, when all a person thinks is,"I am not good enough." 

It has been happening to me, for quite some time now. Unable to figure out my destination and completely lost in the hypocrisy of this world, I have absolutely no clue where I stand. It's everyday I wake up, get ready, go to the university and sit in the same class. But, it's everyday, I feel more and more lost. The people I became friends with in the beginning, seem so close, yet so unfamiliar. It's hard to know whether what they are saying is trust-worthy, or just a pack of lies with no deeper meaning. When they ask me,"How are you.." It seems more like if they want to know whether I am getting worse and they are successful in making my life a living hell. I ignore, again and again, on a daily basis the feelings, the pathetic assumptions that everyone who tries to come close to me is a liar, a hypocrite. I tell myself on an hourly basis that,"No! Not everyone is bad, not everyone lies... Not everyone is a hypocrite.." Yet, my conscience keeps telling me,"Beware! The world is full of wolves wearing human masks. They'll eat you and throw the rest of you like you never existed." 

Then comes that bunch of people who have a feeling called... Jealousy. The fact that I can smile, even when I have a 104 Fever is not digestible to a lot of people. The fact that I still get a chance to talk to a lot of people, say, whomsoever I want, is not easy for many people to accept. In the beginning, I used to think that it's just my own fear of being hurt that makes me think that people are jealous of me. But when I see some of my so-called close friends having a sad, or say angry, look on their faces when I am happy with other people, it does tell me how they feel. It's a simple life, yet so tough. It's simple smiles people just can't handle. It's honest answers they cannot accept. It's every day, when you have to smile, even when it's the last thing you want to do.

So many days, I am in a crowd, but the loneliness inside me does not go away. I laugh, smile, pretend that everything is perfectly all right, but deep inside, my heart knows that there is something missing. A gap, a void is there, which never fills, even with the happiest of moments. As every happy day ends with something which makes me feel,"I am not good enough." 

They say, it's good to rely on yourself rather than relying on the world. Yes, it's absolutely true. But till when? There comes a time in every person's life when they want to hold someone truly. When they want to hug somebody, hold their hand, and just ignore the rest of the world. It's not simple ABC, but it's no rocket-science either. Is there somebody for all of us? Somebody who would say,"It's going to be Ok because I am here, with you.. It's going to be Ok because I am there for you.." 

I guess yeah, there is someone, somewhere out there, who would tell me that I am a perfect person, if not for the world, then for that one person.. I guess, somewhere, out there, there is someone who would make me smile genuinely when it's the last thing I want to do. Because I am tired of telling others that life is a gift, enjoy it, when my life is too confusing, scary and complicated. I am losing myself in the daily fights of pretending to smile and telling myself that it's going to be fine. I hope and sometimes I do pray that somebody tells me.."Everything will be fine, Trust Me.." 

An apology to all those who might be offended reading this and saying,"OMG! What an Emo..." Yeah, I am sorry, I am not up to the mark of being a happy shiny person. I am a human being, who is currently lost, feels absolutely useless and needs a new start, or at least, meet someone who is exactly as honest as he pretends to be.. Someone who would proudly hold my hand, in front of the whole world and say,"I can take care of her just because she is the one for me, she is the most perfect to me! And because she is the only different person I see.."

- Maryam

A Beautiful Life!

Experiences, and a lot of them. University is actually the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so glad I chose to come here. Not because it's fun and all, but it gives me the experiences I need and want. It makes you see, observe, discover the hidden beauties and beastly behaviors of people. Undoubtedly, it's a hard life. But the best part about it is, you get to meet the 'type' of people you never thought even existed.
Today, I had the honor of meeting such people. SRC, the Students Resource Center, is students' clubs for recreational and extra curricular activities. I met the people of Music Society. Genuinely nice human beings. The impression I had in my head about the 'rockstars' of the university immediately vanished when I met them all in person. 
Today, the auditions of Music Society were being held and one of my class fellows had to take part. Me and some other friends went with him to basically 'back him up' in case he messes up! 
The atmosphere, which was created there, made me feel like singing as well, and I sang! Yes, I am NOT a singer, not even close, but this was fun. Singing infront of some seriously professional and good singers, this was embarrassing, but fun at the same time. They told me i was "good". All right! They had to, you know, appreciate my efforts to sing.. Which they did rather nicely. 
Then came the part where Naseer Afridi became all personal with us, the freshmen of the university. And man, he is a gentleman! May ALLAH bless this person. His behavior with us was so nice, even I was impressed (Being a person who is hardly ever impressed by anyone, this was rather pleasing). 
Then he sang for us. Made my day, or say, made my week. Listening to him, and bro Anis, Live was a pleasure and honor in itself. 
Now I realize, I had such small exposure to life back in home. No matter what, home is home. But still, I had no idea what life outside the laptop really looks like. And now, I feel like making everyday count. Yes, I am speaking titanic :P
It's a beautiful life, Alhamdulillah! Sometimes, it gets tiring, depressing and even frustrating. But at the end of the day, it's making me come 'this' close to my goal! And I hope, InshaALLAH, I am able to achieve what I truly want. 


- Maryam

Home was there...

Sometimes, yes, it does get very lonely. Living in a tri-seater room alone basically means you're blessed and cursed at the same time. 
I am in hostel, tomorrow happens to be the day my orientation would happen. I am excited but scared at the same time. University is not an easy life, and I am prepared for it. But what I am thankful for is that i have got the best set of people around me who are caring, loving and basically my saviors. 
It wasn't going to be easy anyway, nor did i expect it to be. But sometimes I really want to close my eyes and open them in Saudi Arabia in the arms of my mom! Man, I miss her. But as they say,"To be successful, you have to sacrifice.." I am grateful to ALLAH for giving me one of the best blessings; Education and experience. Alhamdulillah..
But yes, sometimes... It does get very lonely.. and I wish to run away into a fantasy where life was easy.. Mom was there.. Siblings were there.. Dad was there.. HOME WAS THERE! I miss you all, desperately!


- Maryam!