Weird Post!

It's one of those times when you stay awake all night finding refuge in that one thing which distracts you from your problems; be it love, a partner, TV, music or anything. For me, it's watching Grey's anatomy, for now. I have got tons of issues on my head right now. I am 23, studying, and jobless for crying out loud. I should be stable enough to pay my dues, pay for my vacation, pay for my holiday trips for GOD's sake. But I am not. Why is that? Because the last time I got a job offer, my interview was the same day my mother called me back home so I could see the girl she had chosen to be my brother's wife. Yes, I do have that big of a say in my family. Second time, I was told by somebody that the place I got an offer from wasn't worth working for. I didn't even go to the interview. I could work online as well - but that's just not my thing. I am sick and tired of having online interactions. That's what I have done for the past 6 years. Online Interactions! They don't work for me anymore. I need real people in my real life. See, this is why I love my best friends from university. They are real. They exist. They eat, hang out, fight, argue, laugh with me in real life. I can see their faces, their expressions, the shine in their eyes. This is why I don't need an online job; where my client can't look me in the eye and shout at me. I can't be appreciated for real online. Telling me I did a good job over an email is not good enough for me. I want proper relationships. Proper friendships. I know I am writing this over an online blog, but seriously who would read it? How many people would read it? Even I know this blog is mostly me taking out my anger, frustration or lessons learnt. I want to write for so many things, so many issues, but everytime this thought comes into my head that I am not good enough for it - or let's just say, for anything! My brother did get married to the same girl. Masha ALLAH they are a happy couple, and seem to be working this out really well. I feel proud of myself sometimes. Eventhough I don't have a job, I do other things well. I help my mother with a lot of stuff, and just recently, she called me her "Engineer kid" infront of a whole lot of people. That was amazing. She actually told them I was her amazing child, which she hardly does because they were the family where my sister could have got married. Praising me in front of them, well, not a good idea. They could just chose me - not that I would let it happen, because the guy was an absolute idiot. He was an MBA for GOD's sake, a JOBLESS MBA!
Yes - That's the point. Judging a MAN over his job makes sense. But judging a girl? No! It doesn't make any sense. The girl does a lot of other things as well. She cooks for you, she cleans for you, she calms you down when you're angry. She gives birth to your children, for GOD's sake! She takes care of your home. How can you possibly judge her for not earning some stupid money? How can you judge her for her personality? Her traits? It's her quality to sort things out, why would ever want to take that away from her?

Just don't take away a girl's charms, or else, you'd have her divided in to the craziest thoughts, the worst assumptions and most of all, a blog full of weird posts!
Please, LEARN!

- Maryam!

I am lost.. too lost!

For a moment today, I was lost! In my old days, my old memories, old photographs and it felt amazing. It was somehow refreshing, because lately, my life has been nothing but a fight with depression, pain, heartbreak, humiliations and awful sadness. I put a smile on my face, so I don't have to bother with all these discussions when I have to look the other person in eye and tell the reasons behind my pain. Frankly, so much has happened that I don't even know anymore what's causing the pain? Nobody actually understands, not even me, what the real cause of all my anger, my aggression is. I am forced to live a life that I cannot possibly survive one more day, but yet, every day I wake up I have to tell myself, live for others! Make it one more day, and everything will be okay... Eventhough I know, nothing will ever be okay. I have not felt this alone in my entire life, because literally, I have no one around me that I can share my pain with. They keep telling me to be strong, but they just leave, one by one, and call me selfish eventually. It's too painful, you know. I don't know whom to talk to! I am falling apart somehow, but I am keeping myself strong! It's like, I am going to burst one day and the awful things that would come out of my mouth are something that I fear the most. I am keeping too much inside. I have lost too much, in too less time, and I am loosing myself today! I just realized, I don't have a best friend. It's like, that past was better, and I was so unthankful to take it for-granted so easily. I was so unthankful to let go of all those beautiful people that actually cared about me, and now I am all alone, with nobody around me to hold me and comfort me or to tell me that everything would make sense eventually. It's like, I keep having this weird feeling that I am not this person anymore. I am somebody else, a hopeless, lifeless soul that's just passing each single day only waiting for her time to be over. It's horrifying! I am fighting that battle within me, and I am all alone! I can't seem to get up, and bow my head infront of ALLAH to pray. I feel too guilty, because even HE knows, no matter how much I repent, I keep going back to the same spoiled version of myself. I don't know what to do.. I am lost, too bad, and I can't seem to find a way!

Somehow, writing this made me feel better. I do believe, if I have come this long, I'll make it ahead! But I just need to know the way, MY WAY OF HOPE.. I need to find it, as soon as I can!