I am lost.. too lost!

For a moment today, I was lost! In my old days, my old memories, old photographs and it felt amazing. It was somehow refreshing, because lately, my life has been nothing but a fight with depression, pain, heartbreak, humiliations and awful sadness. I put a smile on my face, so I don't have to bother with all these discussions when I have to look the other person in eye and tell the reasons behind my pain. Frankly, so much has happened that I don't even know anymore what's causing the pain? Nobody actually understands, not even me, what the real cause of all my anger, my aggression is. I am forced to live a life that I cannot possibly survive one more day, but yet, every day I wake up I have to tell myself, live for others! Make it one more day, and everything will be okay... Eventhough I know, nothing will ever be okay. I have not felt this alone in my entire life, because literally, I have no one around me that I can share my pain with. They keep telling me to be strong, but they just leave, one by one, and call me selfish eventually. It's too painful, you know. I don't know whom to talk to! I am falling apart somehow, but I am keeping myself strong! It's like, I am going to burst one day and the awful things that would come out of my mouth are something that I fear the most. I am keeping too much inside. I have lost too much, in too less time, and I am loosing myself today! I just realized, I don't have a best friend. It's like, that past was better, and I was so unthankful to take it for-granted so easily. I was so unthankful to let go of all those beautiful people that actually cared about me, and now I am all alone, with nobody around me to hold me and comfort me or to tell me that everything would make sense eventually. It's like, I keep having this weird feeling that I am not this person anymore. I am somebody else, a hopeless, lifeless soul that's just passing each single day only waiting for her time to be over. It's horrifying! I am fighting that battle within me, and I am all alone! I can't seem to get up, and bow my head infront of ALLAH to pray. I feel too guilty, because even HE knows, no matter how much I repent, I keep going back to the same spoiled version of myself. I don't know what to do.. I am lost, too bad, and I can't seem to find a way!

Somehow, writing this made me feel better. I do believe, if I have come this long, I'll make it ahead! But I just need to know the way, MY WAY OF HOPE.. I need to find it, as soon as I can! 

It's the matter of one hug!

Bad times are an inevitable part of our lives. No matter how happy we are, there are times that make us gloomy or depressed. Bad days; when minutes seem like hours. One's heart beats at its slowest, everything around one seems to be stuck and with all the effort put, life still seems stuck. In simple words, when one is down due to life's circumstances, it feels as if there is no way out.
Tonight, as I sit here writing, I can tell you very  honestly, my head had been hurting for two hours due to some stress in my mind. I couldn't talk about the stress to anyone due to my own insecurities and embarrassments. But I knew, I needed a way out of it. So, I started watching a movie. "Wake Up, Sid!", probably the cutest and one of the most motivational movies I have ever watched. The movie had always given me one feeling; not everyone is a happy-go-lucky person. For each one of us, life has different plans. For Bill Gates, fate decided for him to earn so much, for give back as well. But for Steve Jobs, fate had a completely different plan. Even in one family, every child  has different interests, different likes and dislikes, and most of all, different destinations. Some reach them, while some keep trying, till the very end. But what is that one force that keeps us all going, is the question. What are the reasons behind us never giving up in our lives? 
As a person, who has been through the phases of what some people may refer to as 'depression', I can say, it's the force of love and affection which makes you so strong that you can overcome any difficulty in your life. As I was watching the movie, my mother entered the room to wake me and my sister up for the morning prayer. She had no idea that I was already up. So I got up from my bed, and ran after her, to hug her tightly. This hug was priceless. My headache, my worries, my weaknesses - all seemed to be gone in no more than a second. It felt like heaven. My mother, the woman I have always looked up to as a beautiful, amazing role model. My mother - who is more than just an angel for me - is the force that keeps me walking. 
I have made my set of mistakes. In some days, I messed up in such a ridiculous manner that even looking at my own face was impossible for me. But there was mom. Who told me I had the prettiest face. She gave me the confidence to stand in front of the world with a belief that despite of all the bad times, I can still be happy. Her faith in me made me a stronger, a better person each and every day. It still does and may it always do. 
It's her one hug, which makes my worst day absolutely beautiful. It's her affection that keeps me going. It's my mother, who has  kept me alive throughout my life! 
For me, it's my mother's hug that keeps me strong enough to face each challenge in life. For you, it could be anyone. Never underestimate those people who make your life better. Because without these small gestures of love, life is nothing but some paperwork and sleep! We all must learn to appreciate the value of hugs, smiles, little gestures to show our loved ones how much we care about them. As life is unpredictable. Today, you might get a chance but tomorrow, life might be too cruel to you. So take the opportunity today. Give your mom, dad, a sibling, your best friend, or your life partner a gift, hug or just a simple 'I Love You'. Make them feel better, who make your life better!

- Maryam!

It's never too late!

Today, I decided to sleep earlier than my normal routine; sleeping at 7 in the morning. I lied on my bed at 1 and by 1:30, I was in my dreamland. A while later, I woke up to a horrible dream, rather nightmare, which made me feel so lost and scared that the only words which came out of my mouth were Ayat Al Kursi and Durood Shareef. I was terrified. But relieved at the same time that the dream wasn't real. Though I must say, it felt more than just real. I could hear the voices, feel the other people's existence. I could even sense my own depression in the dream and knew exactly what to say and how to say it. 
Yeah, I wouldn't be sleeping early for a while now, but what I learnt from this experience is; it's never too late to go back to being who you truly are. It's never too late to repent. As ALLAH Subhan wa ta'ala is always there, despite of your mistakes, your sins, your own oblivion towards HIM, HE never forgets you. HE is always there.
As mentioned in the Holy Qur'an: فَاذْكُرُونِي أَذْكُرْكُمْ وَاشْكُرُوا لِي وَلَا تَكْفُرُونِ. البقرة 152

"Therefore remember Me. I will remember you. Be grateful to Me and never show Me ingratitude" - Al-Baqarah 2:152 

It's the matter of being thankful towards HIM to indeed feel blessed. One day I remember being truly upset, and somebody told me,"ALLAH Loves you! You shouldn't be upset." That made me feel like the strongest person on the planet. As if there was nothing which could harm or hurt me. I was astonished, yet relieved at the same time. 

I have decided to start writing once again and hoping to continue it for good. May ALLAH, The MOST Merciful, protect us, bless us, and cover us all till and on the judgement day, ameen. 

- Maryam!

Who Am I?

Going back to Islamabad tonight. Not easy, i must say. Probably that's something I have said on the blog a tons of times. But oh well, when has it been easy anyway? I had extremely horrifying times a couple of days back. Broke me into pieces. And today, as I write this, my mind is only thinking one thing; What is the purpose of my life? Why am I here? Who am I? 
Every single day, it seems like I am fighting somebody else's fight. I am fearing someone else's fears. I am living someone else's life. I am not me. This is not me. Then who is, is the question! 
All of this must seem pretty crazy and emo to read. But to be very honest, I don't have a clue what to pray for, what to aim for. Wishes, dreams, beliefs, everything seems to have vanished somewhere. 
I am questioning the biggest thing of my life; why am I here? Is it my own fault? Or can I blame somebody else? This gap inside of me, why does it exist? How can I fulfill it? 
I feel empty, lost... and scared! But starting over, yet again, for the last time and trying to find the purpose, once and for all. Not giving up, not falling down... just looking for the answer to one simple question;
WHO AM I?

- Maryam!