Let it be your reminder!

You know what you need? A spark. Anything to light up that fire of passion inside you. You need that one moment, one person, even just a little hint that would give you a direction that leads to your destination. If it's a crush that helps you become a better version of yourself, then by all means have that crush. Crush so hard that even your crush falls in love with that 'best version of you'. 
You know, that's where we all mess up. We try too hard to fit in someone else's fantasy, that we forget our own reality. So what you need right now is a reminder that getting up on your feet, from your bed, and making this day better is what you need right now. 
Take risks. Write songs. Paint abstract art. Type horrible stories. Save a life. Help a stranger. Make a baby laugh. Assist a young mother with chores. Help a father decide which school he should send his kids too. Let your mother rest another hour. Clean your father's car. Listen to your siblings' problems. Take a hike on that mountain. Water those flowers on your way home. Feed that cat, pet that dog, just do it! Stop waiting for that miracle to happen. Let it be your reminder, this article, that every single deed you do, every single step you take, makes you a better person. Don't be scared. Don't wait for a miracle. Try and be one, yourself!
Tonight, make life easy for someone else, and see how it changes your whole life. 

- Maryam

Tonight, just be thankful!

It's not easy, you know, to fill the void left by people who leave you without giving you any closure. Happy or not, we all deserve an 'ending' to our story. But what happens when the story just ends without an ending? It's like, you were on a journey, you had your destination right in front of you, and suddenly, your car just stops there. You cannot go any further than that, you cannot go back, so all you can do is wait... wait for some help to arrive. You are looking at the engine of your car, wondering what could go wrong? The fuel is okay, you recently got an oil change, there aren't too many miles on your car, it's a decent model. What happened? You're just standing there, while your car has left you hopeless. I am not saying humans could be compared to machinery, but I swear to GOD, humans aren't any less unpredictable. They change with the speed of light, or even faster. They are always in the search of "better". Once their need if fulfilled, they'd want something else. Humans are strange. Their very definition of loyalty is an "animal". What can you expect, really, except for the fact that people change. They change for the good, bad or just for the sake of it. Most humans don't even make their decisions for the sake of humanity, or the Divine. Their decisions are selfish, self-centered, complicated, and sometimes horrendous. Does it justify people leaving other people? Of course not. No matter how hard you beg, how many nights you pray, how often you cry shouting their name, they just don't come back. It's difficult. It's ridiculous. But it's the truth. People leave. It's the absolute reality. 

The only closure you can give yourself is, "this is how it was meant to be". 

Up there, in the heavens, or the seven skies, somewhere, there is a book. In that book, your life story is written by the best of all writers, the CREATOR himself. HE is The Most Merciful. HE is THE ONE and ONLY, deserving of all worship. The pens are withdrawn, the pages of that book are dry, it's all written up there. Whoever leaves a gap inside you unfairly, would pay for it eventually. Whoever is meant to fulfill that gap, would come to you at a time, when you'll be able to give that person your 100%. When you'd have moved on so well, that your mind, heart and body would synchronize for the sake of happiness and love. You wouldn't have regrets, or thoughts about your past. It's okay to be on a verge of giving up sometimes because the loneliness is killing you and you see every single person finding their soul mate. But have you ever thought that the ONE who loves you seventy times more than a mother could give you any less? HE, the ONE who has authority over the whole universe, would be unfair to you? Of course not. As much as those who have been blessed today are HIS creation, you are too. HE is just testing you today to bless you with the best, tomorrow (Insha ALLAH!)

Tonight, just give your gloom an ending. Give yourself hope, encourage yourself to move ahead without ever giving any heed to your past. Tonight, just tell yourself, you'll be blessed with better than what has been taken away from you. Tonight, give yourself a chance. Tonight, tell ALLAH that you're thankful, you feel blessed and content. Tonight, thank HIM for letting you stay strong, no matter how many times you were about to give up. Tonight, thank HIM for not letting you send that "message" or make that phone call which could have destroyed all your effort. Tonight, thank HIM for not letting your greed or need take over you. Tonight, just thank HIM for being alive and in the best possible manner. 

Tonight, just be thankful for everything. 

May ALLAH be with us all. 

- Maryam 

Getting my answers!

Today, these statements are going through my mind, "Haan Bolo. Na Kaho. Dekho Mat. Suno Mat. Kaho Mat. Tum ho kaun? Log kia kahain ge? Tum ne soch bhi kaise lia? Waqt Thori Hai In Baaton Ka! Aise Kaise chalay ga? Dil? Har Insaan Dil Maarta hai, Tum Bhi Maaro! Ruh? Ruh Sirf Maut K Din Niklay Gi! Jazba? Jao Apna Kaam Karo, Jazba Aur Ye Sab Kahaanion Main Hota hai. Imaan Dagmaga Raha Hai Tumhara! Tumhen Khuda Se Rujoo Karnay Ki Zarurat Hai! Andar Ki Aag Ko Bujhaao Aur Baaki Logon Ki Tarha Ban Jaao! Ordinary.... just ordinary! "

It's like, we come from this nation that forces its girls, its people to be dead souls. If you're doing something that makes you happy, you automatically become a selfish son of a *****. Any person in the pursuit of their happiness is told that they are astray and they need religious guidance. Anyone looking for a path and talking about it is told that "you're in depression and you have absolutely no right to question the path you're on."
I remember, there was a seminar in my university about 2 years ago; I asked the speaker so many questions that he ended up telling my professor that this student of yours has an X Factor and its her curiosity. He told me to "feed it well". Since then, I am looking for answers. Why do we live under so much compromises? Why do we have to kill our self esteems to make other people happy? Why do we need to break our hearts to mend others'? Why can't we do anything just for the pursuit of happiness?
Today; I got my answer looking in the eyes of someone very close to me.
We are women; Pakistani women and we do nothing for our happiness, we just make sure others are happy with us, because that's what we are here for!

Weird Post!

It's one of those times when you stay awake all night finding refuge in that one thing which distracts you from your problems; be it love, a partner, TV, music or anything. For me, it's watching Grey's anatomy, for now. I have got tons of issues on my head right now. I am 23, studying, and jobless for crying out loud. I should be stable enough to pay my dues, pay for my vacation, pay for my holiday trips for GOD's sake. But I am not. Why is that? Because the last time I got a job offer, my interview was the same day my mother called me back home so I could see the girl she had chosen to be my brother's wife. Yes, I do have that big of a say in my family. Second time, I was told by somebody that the place I got an offer from wasn't worth working for. I didn't even go to the interview. I could work online as well - but that's just not my thing. I am sick and tired of having online interactions. That's what I have done for the past 6 years. Online Interactions! They don't work for me anymore. I need real people in my real life. See, this is why I love my best friends from university. They are real. They exist. They eat, hang out, fight, argue, laugh with me in real life. I can see their faces, their expressions, the shine in their eyes. This is why I don't need an online job; where my client can't look me in the eye and shout at me. I can't be appreciated for real online. Telling me I did a good job over an email is not good enough for me. I want proper relationships. Proper friendships. I know I am writing this over an online blog, but seriously who would read it? How many people would read it? Even I know this blog is mostly me taking out my anger, frustration or lessons learnt. I want to write for so many things, so many issues, but everytime this thought comes into my head that I am not good enough for it - or let's just say, for anything! My brother did get married to the same girl. Masha ALLAH they are a happy couple, and seem to be working this out really well. I feel proud of myself sometimes. Eventhough I don't have a job, I do other things well. I help my mother with a lot of stuff, and just recently, she called me her "Engineer kid" infront of a whole lot of people. That was amazing. She actually told them I was her amazing child, which she hardly does because they were the family where my sister could have got married. Praising me in front of them, well, not a good idea. They could just chose me - not that I would let it happen, because the guy was an absolute idiot. He was an MBA for GOD's sake, a JOBLESS MBA!
Yes - That's the point. Judging a MAN over his job makes sense. But judging a girl? No! It doesn't make any sense. The girl does a lot of other things as well. She cooks for you, she cleans for you, she calms you down when you're angry. She gives birth to your children, for GOD's sake! She takes care of your home. How can you possibly judge her for not earning some stupid money? How can you judge her for her personality? Her traits? It's her quality to sort things out, why would ever want to take that away from her?

Just don't take away a girl's charms, or else, you'd have her divided in to the craziest thoughts, the worst assumptions and most of all, a blog full of weird posts!
Please, LEARN!

- Maryam!

I am lost.. too lost!

For a moment today, I was lost! In my old days, my old memories, old photographs and it felt amazing. It was somehow refreshing, because lately, my life has been nothing but a fight with depression, pain, heartbreak, humiliations and awful sadness. I put a smile on my face, so I don't have to bother with all these discussions when I have to look the other person in eye and tell the reasons behind my pain. Frankly, so much has happened that I don't even know anymore what's causing the pain? Nobody actually understands, not even me, what the real cause of all my anger, my aggression is. I am forced to live a life that I cannot possibly survive one more day, but yet, every day I wake up I have to tell myself, live for others! Make it one more day, and everything will be okay... Eventhough I know, nothing will ever be okay. I have not felt this alone in my entire life, because literally, I have no one around me that I can share my pain with. They keep telling me to be strong, but they just leave, one by one, and call me selfish eventually. It's too painful, you know. I don't know whom to talk to! I am falling apart somehow, but I am keeping myself strong! It's like, I am going to burst one day and the awful things that would come out of my mouth are something that I fear the most. I am keeping too much inside. I have lost too much, in too less time, and I am loosing myself today! I just realized, I don't have a best friend. It's like, that past was better, and I was so unthankful to take it for-granted so easily. I was so unthankful to let go of all those beautiful people that actually cared about me, and now I am all alone, with nobody around me to hold me and comfort me or to tell me that everything would make sense eventually. It's like, I keep having this weird feeling that I am not this person anymore. I am somebody else, a hopeless, lifeless soul that's just passing each single day only waiting for her time to be over. It's horrifying! I am fighting that battle within me, and I am all alone! I can't seem to get up, and bow my head infront of ALLAH to pray. I feel too guilty, because even HE knows, no matter how much I repent, I keep going back to the same spoiled version of myself. I don't know what to do.. I am lost, too bad, and I can't seem to find a way!

Somehow, writing this made me feel better. I do believe, if I have come this long, I'll make it ahead! But I just need to know the way, MY WAY OF HOPE.. I need to find it, as soon as I can! 

It's the matter of one hug!

Bad times are an inevitable part of our lives. No matter how happy we are, there are times that make us gloomy or depressed. Bad days; when minutes seem like hours. One's heart beats at its slowest, everything around one seems to be stuck and with all the effort put, life still seems stuck. In simple words, when one is down due to life's circumstances, it feels as if there is no way out.
Tonight, as I sit here writing, I can tell you very  honestly, my head had been hurting for two hours due to some stress in my mind. I couldn't talk about the stress to anyone due to my own insecurities and embarrassments. But I knew, I needed a way out of it. So, I started watching a movie. "Wake Up, Sid!", probably the cutest and one of the most motivational movies I have ever watched. The movie had always given me one feeling; not everyone is a happy-go-lucky person. For each one of us, life has different plans. For Bill Gates, fate decided for him to earn so much, for give back as well. But for Steve Jobs, fate had a completely different plan. Even in one family, every child  has different interests, different likes and dislikes, and most of all, different destinations. Some reach them, while some keep trying, till the very end. But what is that one force that keeps us all going, is the question. What are the reasons behind us never giving up in our lives? 
As a person, who has been through the phases of what some people may refer to as 'depression', I can say, it's the force of love and affection which makes you so strong that you can overcome any difficulty in your life. As I was watching the movie, my mother entered the room to wake me and my sister up for the morning prayer. She had no idea that I was already up. So I got up from my bed, and ran after her, to hug her tightly. This hug was priceless. My headache, my worries, my weaknesses - all seemed to be gone in no more than a second. It felt like heaven. My mother, the woman I have always looked up to as a beautiful, amazing role model. My mother - who is more than just an angel for me - is the force that keeps me walking. 
I have made my set of mistakes. In some days, I messed up in such a ridiculous manner that even looking at my own face was impossible for me. But there was mom. Who told me I had the prettiest face. She gave me the confidence to stand in front of the world with a belief that despite of all the bad times, I can still be happy. Her faith in me made me a stronger, a better person each and every day. It still does and may it always do. 
It's her one hug, which makes my worst day absolutely beautiful. It's her affection that keeps me going. It's my mother, who has  kept me alive throughout my life! 
For me, it's my mother's hug that keeps me strong enough to face each challenge in life. For you, it could be anyone. Never underestimate those people who make your life better. Because without these small gestures of love, life is nothing but some paperwork and sleep! We all must learn to appreciate the value of hugs, smiles, little gestures to show our loved ones how much we care about them. As life is unpredictable. Today, you might get a chance but tomorrow, life might be too cruel to you. So take the opportunity today. Give your mom, dad, a sibling, your best friend, or your life partner a gift, hug or just a simple 'I Love You'. Make them feel better, who make your life better!

- Maryam!

It's never too late!

Today, I decided to sleep earlier than my normal routine; sleeping at 7 in the morning. I lied on my bed at 1 and by 1:30, I was in my dreamland. A while later, I woke up to a horrible dream, rather nightmare, which made me feel so lost and scared that the only words which came out of my mouth were Ayat Al Kursi and Durood Shareef. I was terrified. But relieved at the same time that the dream wasn't real. Though I must say, it felt more than just real. I could hear the voices, feel the other people's existence. I could even sense my own depression in the dream and knew exactly what to say and how to say it. 
Yeah, I wouldn't be sleeping early for a while now, but what I learnt from this experience is; it's never too late to go back to being who you truly are. It's never too late to repent. As ALLAH Subhan wa ta'ala is always there, despite of your mistakes, your sins, your own oblivion towards HIM, HE never forgets you. HE is always there.
As mentioned in the Holy Qur'an: فَاذْكُرُونِي أَذْكُرْكُمْ وَاشْكُرُوا لِي وَلَا تَكْفُرُونِ. البقرة 152

"Therefore remember Me. I will remember you. Be grateful to Me and never show Me ingratitude" - Al-Baqarah 2:152 

It's the matter of being thankful towards HIM to indeed feel blessed. One day I remember being truly upset, and somebody told me,"ALLAH Loves you! You shouldn't be upset." That made me feel like the strongest person on the planet. As if there was nothing which could harm or hurt me. I was astonished, yet relieved at the same time. 

I have decided to start writing once again and hoping to continue it for good. May ALLAH, The MOST Merciful, protect us, bless us, and cover us all till and on the judgement day, ameen. 

- Maryam!

Who Am I?

Going back to Islamabad tonight. Not easy, i must say. Probably that's something I have said on the blog a tons of times. But oh well, when has it been easy anyway? I had extremely horrifying times a couple of days back. Broke me into pieces. And today, as I write this, my mind is only thinking one thing; What is the purpose of my life? Why am I here? Who am I? 
Every single day, it seems like I am fighting somebody else's fight. I am fearing someone else's fears. I am living someone else's life. I am not me. This is not me. Then who is, is the question! 
All of this must seem pretty crazy and emo to read. But to be very honest, I don't have a clue what to pray for, what to aim for. Wishes, dreams, beliefs, everything seems to have vanished somewhere. 
I am questioning the biggest thing of my life; why am I here? Is it my own fault? Or can I blame somebody else? This gap inside of me, why does it exist? How can I fulfill it? 
I feel empty, lost... and scared! But starting over, yet again, for the last time and trying to find the purpose, once and for all. Not giving up, not falling down... just looking for the answer to one simple question;
WHO AM I?

- Maryam!

... so I will start over, again!

My first semester of university, the one that I had so eagerly waited for, came to an end on 12th June, 2012. One of the best times I had in my life, but some of the worst as well. Best part is; it taught me the lessons I'd never forget in my life. I am writing the following blog in order to keep it as a reminder for the rest of my seven semesters, and to be able to learn more and more in the coming days.

Lesson # 1 - Be Tolerant! 

Yes, tolerance is the key to making friends, being a good listener, being a good leader and overall being successful. You shall not yell or shout at the people you dislike, instead, you should listen to and understand their position in order to develop an opinion about them. 

Lesson # 2: Learn to take a chance.

You won't know what you mustn't do or what you can achieve until or unless you're willing to take a risk. Life is a mystery. And in order to open all the secrets that life has hidden for us, we must learn to take chances. If you like somebody, talk to them. If you dislike somebody, open your mind for them and create a positive approach in your head for them. You never know, they might end up becoming your best friends!

Lesson # 3: Positive approach. 

Life doesn't come with a rule book. But it surely comes with lessons that make us what we are today. In order to have our life go our way, we must look at it positively. A pessimist may have success in life but he, most probably, does not have any peace of mind.

Lesson # 4: learn to have peace of mind.

Yes, it's important that your head is free of all the weird stuff that creates anxiety and depressions. 

Lesson # 6: Face your fears.

Failure, rejection, falling apart are one of my life's biggest fears. And believe it or not, they are the ones I face the most. But what I have learnt is; I need to face them instead of fearing them. If I am being rejected, I must know the reasons behind them, and learn to accept my faults and weaknesses. If I am failing again and again, there might be a reason behind it which I am not aware of. So on and so forth! 

Lesson # 7: Talk!

Yes, talking is important. Whatever is going through your mind or is in your heart; talk it out. Because no matter what signals you are giving to the other person, he'd never know what you're feeling until or unless you talk about it. If something is bugging you, tell it, to anyone, who'd listen and who might help you sort the issue out. 

Lesson # 8: Listen!

As much as talking is important, so is listening. Because if you fail to listen, people would most certainly not be eager to listen to you!

Lesson # 9: Open your mind!

Do not judge too quickly. Do not create assumptions that may hurt you later on and leave you alone for the rest of your life. Open your mind; to new things, to new people, to new experiences. As I said before, life does not come with instruction manuals. That is why, you must keep yourself eager to learn new things, meet new people and come up with new and innovative ideas.

Lesson # 10: Learn to love!

Love; a feeling of affection and concern for anything. Learn to love YOURSELF! Learn to love the people around you, who care about you, who love you. Learn to love the work that you do and do not consider it a burden. Learn to face life with an optimistic attitude every day. 

Lesson # 11: Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish!

This is a term I heard in a Steve Jobs' speech. 

As long as you're hungry, you'll feel the need to fill yourself up! For me, staying hungry for new experiences in life is my top most priority. 

Stay foolish, so that you'll make mistakes and you'll later on realize that you shouldn't have done what you did and this way, you won't repeat the same act again! 

Lesson # 12: Have faith! 

Because faith is what keeps us going, even when there's no light in the end of the tunnel

So, I will start all over again, with these new lessons in my head to make me a better person! Here's to hoping for a new semester filled with excitement, happiness and InshaALLAH, good grades :)

- Maryam!

... they are just simply beautiful!

I love to make people smile and laugh, not because I have a good sense of humor, but because it's better than being the reason of their hurt and tears. I love to see people smile. And the sort of person I am, it always feels good to be the reason of one smile. Guess, I am not the only one, as I have myself met so many people who can make you smile instantly just by saying a simple 'Hy' or something. No, please, I am not going into those cheesy Facebook Quotes that say,"I was having a bad day, then you said hy, then I overlooked all my problems, went into a damn fantasy land that doesn't even exist and then my heart started beating fast, I forgot I had Math Homework and I just smiled like an idiot..." 


I am talking about the genuine smiles that have a story behind them. No two people who have spent time together would disagree on the fact that every moment they spent together meant something. Be it love, or a despise, an attraction or a disgust. Feelings are always there. True, hypocritical, sincere, fake; depends entirely on the situation. So, yes, I am talking about the feelings that keep you up at night, make you smile, or cry. I am talking about the smiles that come out of nowhere in times when your mood is far from happy. I am talking about the people who are behind these smiles. 


Once my friend was talking to me on the phone when I was so pissed at him, that if he were in front of me, I'd have definitely punched him pretty hard.. And i mean, pretty hard!! He said something so insanely funny that I couldn't help but LOL (Laugh out loud) literally on that pathetic and lame joke. Yes, believe me it was so lame that even the word lame would feel embarrassed, but the point was, it made me laugh. And it served the purpose exactly the way it was supposed to. And my friend said to me,"It takes you 10 hours to be so pissed, and it takes me 10 seconds to ruin all that effort you put into being angry..." Bless you, buddy! 


Smiles can be faked, pretty easily. But the smiles that come from being happy have a different look, a whole different aspect to them. Smiles like these truly fascinate me! And the people, who make others smile like that; they are just simply beautiful. This post is for all those people of this earth who have made somebody laugh, smile or simply happy by genuinely putting some effort in it. Who don't just talk, who communicate. Who don't just hold the other one but hug them from the depth of their heart. And who don't just claim to love, but who 'love' by every action, by every word, by every blink of the eye... and every beat of the heart! 


Respect to all those who live, who love and who care with no demands of the return, with no hypocrisy and with faith and enough courage to stand up for those who love them truly and sincerely! 

"To do the stupidest things together, to smile for the silliest reasons ever, I want to hold you for the rest of my life, to be just happy, to be simply peaceful.."

- Maryam!

Faith in humanity - Lost!

The cheesy quote goes that,"We build walls around us to see who is caring and sincere enough to break them to reach us.." But my perception is completely different. What I believe is, those walls build around us themselves, when we are too hurt, our feelings are abused again and again and our trust is broken so badly that we can no longer afford to be the most loving and lovable creatures. Human beings; The best of all creations, have come to point that they have themselves become a disgrace.
In our world, love is just a temporary hormonal imbalance which attracts two people for a certain period of time and later on they both become each others' worst enemies. Sincerity is a word used as an insult for those who are thought to be weak and 'emotional'. Faithful; only dogs can be one. All in all, humanity is so rare that, I guess, even Google won't be able to search for it.
How can people trust anyone when taking one's advantage has become a norm now?
Why would people show their feelings while having a fear that love is no longer respected or taken care of?
That's the worst thing about us; we spend too much time hating, abusing and misusing the concept of friendship - or love, for that matter - that we forget that we were once born Human Beings, The 'Ashraf ul Makhlooqat' (The best of all creations).

- Maryam

Zero!

A truly beautiful and meaningful video.. LOVE IT <3


- Maryam

... everything will be fine, trust me!

Underestimating one's self is not something new to human species. In one way or the other, we all consider ourselves lesser than somebody else. We meet people with better looks, better skills and/or abilities and talents and tell ourselves "I wish I were that good.." It happens, a lot of times, when all a person thinks is,"I am not good enough." 

It has been happening to me, for quite some time now. Unable to figure out my destination and completely lost in the hypocrisy of this world, I have absolutely no clue where I stand. It's everyday I wake up, get ready, go to the university and sit in the same class. But, it's everyday, I feel more and more lost. The people I became friends with in the beginning, seem so close, yet so unfamiliar. It's hard to know whether what they are saying is trust-worthy, or just a pack of lies with no deeper meaning. When they ask me,"How are you.." It seems more like if they want to know whether I am getting worse and they are successful in making my life a living hell. I ignore, again and again, on a daily basis the feelings, the pathetic assumptions that everyone who tries to come close to me is a liar, a hypocrite. I tell myself on an hourly basis that,"No! Not everyone is bad, not everyone lies... Not everyone is a hypocrite.." Yet, my conscience keeps telling me,"Beware! The world is full of wolves wearing human masks. They'll eat you and throw the rest of you like you never existed." 

Then comes that bunch of people who have a feeling called... Jealousy. The fact that I can smile, even when I have a 104 Fever is not digestible to a lot of people. The fact that I still get a chance to talk to a lot of people, say, whomsoever I want, is not easy for many people to accept. In the beginning, I used to think that it's just my own fear of being hurt that makes me think that people are jealous of me. But when I see some of my so-called close friends having a sad, or say angry, look on their faces when I am happy with other people, it does tell me how they feel. It's a simple life, yet so tough. It's simple smiles people just can't handle. It's honest answers they cannot accept. It's every day, when you have to smile, even when it's the last thing you want to do.

So many days, I am in a crowd, but the loneliness inside me does not go away. I laugh, smile, pretend that everything is perfectly all right, but deep inside, my heart knows that there is something missing. A gap, a void is there, which never fills, even with the happiest of moments. As every happy day ends with something which makes me feel,"I am not good enough." 

They say, it's good to rely on yourself rather than relying on the world. Yes, it's absolutely true. But till when? There comes a time in every person's life when they want to hold someone truly. When they want to hug somebody, hold their hand, and just ignore the rest of the world. It's not simple ABC, but it's no rocket-science either. Is there somebody for all of us? Somebody who would say,"It's going to be Ok because I am here, with you.. It's going to be Ok because I am there for you.." 

I guess yeah, there is someone, somewhere out there, who would tell me that I am a perfect person, if not for the world, then for that one person.. I guess, somewhere, out there, there is someone who would make me smile genuinely when it's the last thing I want to do. Because I am tired of telling others that life is a gift, enjoy it, when my life is too confusing, scary and complicated. I am losing myself in the daily fights of pretending to smile and telling myself that it's going to be fine. I hope and sometimes I do pray that somebody tells me.."Everything will be fine, Trust Me.." 

An apology to all those who might be offended reading this and saying,"OMG! What an Emo..." Yeah, I am sorry, I am not up to the mark of being a happy shiny person. I am a human being, who is currently lost, feels absolutely useless and needs a new start, or at least, meet someone who is exactly as honest as he pretends to be.. Someone who would proudly hold my hand, in front of the whole world and say,"I can take care of her just because she is the one for me, she is the most perfect to me! And because she is the only different person I see.."

- Maryam

A Beautiful Life!

Experiences, and a lot of them. University is actually the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so glad I chose to come here. Not because it's fun and all, but it gives me the experiences I need and want. It makes you see, observe, discover the hidden beauties and beastly behaviors of people. Undoubtedly, it's a hard life. But the best part about it is, you get to meet the 'type' of people you never thought even existed.
Today, I had the honor of meeting such people. SRC, the Students Resource Center, is students' clubs for recreational and extra curricular activities. I met the people of Music Society. Genuinely nice human beings. The impression I had in my head about the 'rockstars' of the university immediately vanished when I met them all in person. 
Today, the auditions of Music Society were being held and one of my class fellows had to take part. Me and some other friends went with him to basically 'back him up' in case he messes up! 
The atmosphere, which was created there, made me feel like singing as well, and I sang! Yes, I am NOT a singer, not even close, but this was fun. Singing infront of some seriously professional and good singers, this was embarrassing, but fun at the same time. They told me i was "good". All right! They had to, you know, appreciate my efforts to sing.. Which they did rather nicely. 
Then came the part where Naseer Afridi became all personal with us, the freshmen of the university. And man, he is a gentleman! May ALLAH bless this person. His behavior with us was so nice, even I was impressed (Being a person who is hardly ever impressed by anyone, this was rather pleasing). 
Then he sang for us. Made my day, or say, made my week. Listening to him, and bro Anis, Live was a pleasure and honor in itself. 
Now I realize, I had such small exposure to life back in home. No matter what, home is home. But still, I had no idea what life outside the laptop really looks like. And now, I feel like making everyday count. Yes, I am speaking titanic :P
It's a beautiful life, Alhamdulillah! Sometimes, it gets tiring, depressing and even frustrating. But at the end of the day, it's making me come 'this' close to my goal! And I hope, InshaALLAH, I am able to achieve what I truly want. 


- Maryam

Home was there...

Sometimes, yes, it does get very lonely. Living in a tri-seater room alone basically means you're blessed and cursed at the same time. 
I am in hostel, tomorrow happens to be the day my orientation would happen. I am excited but scared at the same time. University is not an easy life, and I am prepared for it. But what I am thankful for is that i have got the best set of people around me who are caring, loving and basically my saviors. 
It wasn't going to be easy anyway, nor did i expect it to be. But sometimes I really want to close my eyes and open them in Saudi Arabia in the arms of my mom! Man, I miss her. But as they say,"To be successful, you have to sacrifice.." I am grateful to ALLAH for giving me one of the best blessings; Education and experience. Alhamdulillah..
But yes, sometimes... It does get very lonely.. and I wish to run away into a fantasy where life was easy.. Mom was there.. Siblings were there.. Dad was there.. HOME WAS THERE! I miss you all, desperately!


- Maryam!

So, Life Is Beautiful...

In Pakistan, almost in university... Traveled alone for the first time. So many experiences at once, but had a great, memorable time.


Just wanted to update all the readers, I'll be back by Mid January InshaALLAH! Miss blogging, miss my home, but inshaALLAH, will be back! 


Thank you for the constant views and support! Remember me in your prayers! 


Alhamdulillah, Life is beautiful! So is yours, and so is everyone else's... It's just the matter of being thankful and honoring the days of this short life..!!


FiamanALLAH


- Maryam!

Coldplay - Fix You

There is always a hope.. a light, that eventually guides you, and everything becomes all right!

- Maryam!

The Monday Thought!

Do not give up on;
Dreams,
Goals,
Aims,
Life...
And Mostly,
Love!


There would be many times in life when everything would seem dark! You'd feel broken, hurt, left alone... But always remember, those who give up in the dark never get to see the light! Keep fighting, for who you are, and what you believe in! Keep looking for the ray of light... And eventually, you'll see it, and you'll know your way to reach the desired destination! 

Be Strong!

- Maryam

Love Is.. Courage, Beauty, Honesty.. Responsibility!

"Love sees no return.." 
How many times in our lives do we hear such quotations How many times are we asked to believe in it, and how many times do we tell ourselves just because we're going through a rough time with our lover? A lot, I am sure. 

I personally believe in the very concept that Love is not just a word or a feeling. It's a huge responsibility given to us by our LORD to take care of someone from the ALMIGHTY's Creation! it's, in fact, a weird concept but I guess it's the most appropriate one when it comes to religious and worldly terms alike. 

I loved when a doctor once said,"I am sorry, if your heart was literally broken, you wouldn't be alive today.." hehe! Medically, it's impossible. And Medical is what we kind of live on nowadays. Practically speaking, he was right. Emotionally speaking, well we got psychologists who would name tons of diseases telling us what's wrong with our head because of which we're feeling a certain thing. Depression, Anxiety, you name them! 

I have gone through depression.. And believe me, it's not a good place to be in. But the best part is, it makes you realize the importance of your loved ones who stick to you even when you're in a complete car-crash sort of condition. You look ugly, you don't work fine, you sound horrible, but they still love you because you're their love! And if talking about 'Love'.. Then I personally believe that any person who can hold their love in their worst of all positions is a true lover. Most of the times, I have personally observed, relationships end because one of them gets sick and tired of the other one. They fight, they argue, they blame, they get irritated, they separate. And that's where it all ends.. Love ends! 

In my perception of this feeling or responsibility, there is another idea to it. Devotion! Complete devotion to the one you are meant to be with. While watching A Beautiful Mind, a fantastic movie about a Schizophrenic Mathematician whose wife sticks to him and stays with him till the very end. And as he receives his Nobel Prize, his speech only consists of praises and really nice words for his wife. And he accepts that only because of her, he was standing in the most successful moment of his life. Yes, giving all you have for that one person, is Love! In the beginning of their married life, we see that Alishia, wife of John Nash (the Mathematician), does not get much return for her love for him. And as time passes, things become worse. His hallucinations start to take over his mind and he starts to confuse the fantasy with reality. But only when he himself puts just a little effort to be with her, she gives it all to him. If she had wanted a return, then there would be no John Nash, and there would be no "Beautiful Mind".. I cannot believe I am stating a movie as my concept, but all I want to point out is, when Love is real, when it finds its way, only a little effort can make a huge difference. All we need to literally differentiate between is, fantasy and reality. 

Love does not have to be complicated. Love is not pain. Separation is pain, distance is pain, difference is pain, but love... is not! If love were pain, then there would be no poets claiming it to be ALLAH's biggest blessing. 

I personally think, Love is Divine! ALLAH puts it in the hearts of those people who are honest and responsible enough to not only hold their own selves, but be the true care takers of another human being. It does expect a return, but does not demand one. If we love our CREATOR, we would love HIS creation! And we would definitely put all our efforts, literally, to love that one person from HIS creation whom ALLAH has chosen for us, as our sole mate! 

Love is for the committed, honest and brave ones... Who are ready to sacrifice, yet smile. Have faith, yet face the worst. It's as simple as ABC! All you have to do is, put your effort, be brave and 'be a man'. 

"It's only in the mysterious equation of love that any logical reasons can be found.."  John Nash - A Beautiful Mind!

- Maryam!

Be... Yourself, Be A Human!

Its 3 AM. I am sitting with the laptop on my lap, thinking a thousand things, watching random youtube videos, listening to music with a heater by my side. Basically, I am being 'myself' at this moment. Alone, doing my own things, creating my own scenarios in head, planning some phone calls I am supposed to make tomorrow, just had a tin of Mirinda Citrus (Remind me if I forget that its damn cold here and I am NOT supposed to be careless about my tonsils and a possible ear infection which happens every 6 months, gosh I need to fix myself). 


I am neither happy, nor sad at this exact moment. Excited about going for university InshaALLAH in a couple of days. Gloomy about leaving home. Happy about the fact that finally I'd get to do things my way, sad about the fact that the one friend I used to love sharing things with, and literally honored is no where to be found these days.. Optimistic about my studies, pessimistic about the people there.. Confident about doing the right things, scared to fail at them.. All in all, I am being me! Confused, happy, excited, scared, all at the same time!


And I don't really think it's a bad thing. As long as we are not hurting anyone, whatever the qualities we possess, we should be proud of them. And be the owner of our lives, our talents. 


Like, If you're a good writer, write for yourself, write with a trust in yourself that says,"this work is owned by me!" Some jealous people with lots and lots of hate in them will consider it arrogance, but the ones who know talent when they see it, will call it confidence and self-trust. Wait, is self-trust even a word? Never mind, point is, be confident about your own existence. Because no matter what you do, no matter how far you go, eventually, it's your soul, your heart, your life, your own existence that matters to you. There'd be good people with you, who support you, love you, or even just make you smile. And there'd be people who'd throw you into the rubbish and basically hurt you to the core of your heart. Both are necessary. Haters, to make you strong enough to face criticism and troubles in your life which eventually makes you stronger. Loved ones, to hold you when you're down or sad! But after all, it's you who matters. 


I read once,"If you can't love yourself, don't expect others to love you.." A very true fact, indeed. Because loving one's own self (Not indulging in, of course) is one quality a lot of people don't have in them. Sometimes, when I am angry, or in a mood of despair, I hate myself a lot. But the feeling goes away as soon as mom reminds me that I am that one kid who never gave up since the day I was born. So, I guess that counts for something, right? I am sure, all of you have that one person who tells you that you're a rock star. And you can achieve anything you like. 
Not very long ago I came across a group of Comics that were supposed to be 'dark' and 'mysterious'. As I saw them, they were nothing but a very pathetic attempt at being an emo by an emo-wannabee. And the comments went like,"OMG you make me feel like killin' myself, OMG I might want to stay in dark and dieeee cos of your comics.." 
I mean, seriously? Is that what you want to do with your life? Make people want to kill themselves? Not amused, WALLAHI, not amused.  


The whole point is, be true to yourself, be honest to yourself. Don't tell yourself, and others for that matter, the things which you don't feel inside. If you don't hate someone, don't say it just for the sake of reputation or becoming popular. If you love someone, say it, instead of hiding and pretending like they don't matter to you. And when someone tells you that you make a difference in their life, you're a good influence or as simple as that, that they love you.. Accept it! Learn to honor love, learn to be honest, learn to be courageous and brave enough to show and accept a human gesture!


My maa used to tell me when I was a kid that people who have feelings are more beautiful than the ones who don't. And I used to say, how is that possible? I mean, everyone has feelings.. It's been about 6 years, I guess, since she first told me that.. and now I understand what she truly meant. Feelings, emotions, having the sense to actually feel sincere words, a mere touch, a beautiful voice, a humbling compliment, an irritating piece of criticism is what differentiates Humans and Animals. See, have you ever seen a cat telling another cat that she looks beautiful today because she dyed her hair Maroon? I am sure it's a very big NO from your side... But you must have heard these things a lot in High School, College, while at job, or from a friend, or might have even said it to a friend.. That's what being human is! Being able to interact, feel, express, honor, accept, reject, being able to say what's in your heart, what's in your mind.. is human being! And being able to literally do all of this, practically implying humanity in your words as well as actions is being yourself! If you like a thing, do it. If you have a dream, pursue it. If you despise someone, let them know in a kind, gentle way, which might make them a better person. If you want to dance, do it. Want to smile, do it. Want to cry? Sure, do it. Do, what makes you feel good and proud of yourself.


Another thing which Maa taught me is, being yourself comes with a lot and lot of tests and problems. And man, she is always so right! People, in general, compare the slightly different ones to the seemingly perfect ones and that's one thing which always annoys the living daylights out of me. I mean, WHY???? Individuality, anyone? Have we forgotten about the fact that every person is born an individual with their own LORD-gifted talents and capabilities? I am sure we have, otherwise, we would never be saying,"So and So got 82%, why did you get 81.9%" 
As simple as it sounds, it's more simpler to imply in real lives. If you're the one who got 82%, Good for you! Go have a blast, enjoy your day. If you're the one who got 81.9%... Make sure you're a rock star too. Because every effort you put in, every day you tried, may be more than the former one, paid off. And may be, you have much better talents and hidden abilities than the so-and-so one you're being compared to!


Another thing I have to clear up, once again, to those who sometimes really easily judge me as a know-it-all or someone who considers herself an awesome person. Well, yeah, I do think I am kind of awesome, may be because I am. 
Ok, jokes apart! 
Writing is my refuge. When I am sad, or feeling low, I write poems... Which aren't really poems, just random pieces of writing. And when I feel a need to correct myself, or someone, I write stuff like this, big huge articles in my way of writing that's simple and blunt and honest! And whatever I write, is first an advice to my ownself, than a little humble suggestion to all those who read it! I write things that make sense to me, that mean something to me. If someone tells me to be confident or proud, I won't be unless I know deep in my heart that it's the right thing to do. If I feel it, I'd honor that person, their advice and apply in my real life. If no, then LORD be with them, I would pretend I never even heard from them! Mean, I know, but sometimes, you need to close your ears to trolls and open your eyes to people that matter. People who actually want the best for you.. People who truly DO love you! Even if all they can do is tell you how much you mean to them, and how much they honor your presence in their life! People you actually love, the ones that make you feel better, make you feel alive and make your life beautiful! Because being deaf to the world is fine, being blind to love is not. Be yourself, be a human, no matter how small or insignificant the situation might be... Just be who you are, just be what ALLAH made you; A Human!

"Human Being Is A Creation Of Divine, Being A Human Is Honoring The Divine!"

- Maryam!