I am lost.. too lost!

For a moment today, I was lost! In my old days, my old memories, old photographs and it felt amazing. It was somehow refreshing, because lately, my life has been nothing but a fight with depression, pain, heartbreak, humiliations and awful sadness. I put a smile on my face, so I don't have to bother with all these discussions when I have to look the other person in eye and tell the reasons behind my pain. Frankly, so much has happened that I don't even know anymore what's causing the pain? Nobody actually understands, not even me, what the real cause of all my anger, my aggression is. I am forced to live a life that I cannot possibly survive one more day, but yet, every day I wake up I have to tell myself, live for others! Make it one more day, and everything will be okay... Eventhough I know, nothing will ever be okay. I have not felt this alone in my entire life, because literally, I have no one around me that I can share my pain with. They keep telling me to be strong, but they just leave, one by one, and call me selfish eventually. It's too painful, you know. I don't know whom to talk to! I am falling apart somehow, but I am keeping myself strong! It's like, I am going to burst one day and the awful things that would come out of my mouth are something that I fear the most. I am keeping too much inside. I have lost too much, in too less time, and I am loosing myself today! I just realized, I don't have a best friend. It's like, that past was better, and I was so unthankful to take it for-granted so easily. I was so unthankful to let go of all those beautiful people that actually cared about me, and now I am all alone, with nobody around me to hold me and comfort me or to tell me that everything would make sense eventually. It's like, I keep having this weird feeling that I am not this person anymore. I am somebody else, a hopeless, lifeless soul that's just passing each single day only waiting for her time to be over. It's horrifying! I am fighting that battle within me, and I am all alone! I can't seem to get up, and bow my head infront of ALLAH to pray. I feel too guilty, because even HE knows, no matter how much I repent, I keep going back to the same spoiled version of myself. I don't know what to do.. I am lost, too bad, and I can't seem to find a way!

Somehow, writing this made me feel better. I do believe, if I have come this long, I'll make it ahead! But I just need to know the way, MY WAY OF HOPE.. I need to find it, as soon as I can!